Itsmeallegera.E

I am typically…on most days….
A happy person – that is what my name means after all.

Yet…I am not okay right now. And usually when I’m not okay I take a break from being online. Focus on other stuff. Yet I have nothing else to focus on. I have made being online and connecting with others in the TTC community important so I don’t feel alone.

But right now…right now…I am 9DPO and I am not happy. I woke up to spotting – and not the spotting that every woman hopes to see. I’m talking about the “HEY GIRLFRIEND….ITS ME AUNT FLO IM COMIN IN A FEW DAYS HAVE MY ROOM READY.” And I don’t want to – I want her to stay far far away with her presence unknown for awhile because her space is being occupied.

Trying to conceive is so hard and taxing. I tried hard for years with my ex and I chalked it up to “Wrong One” because he wasn’t as involved with me and I felt like I was doing it all alone but now I am married and he is involved and it is just not happening…and I don’t know why…it makes me feel horrible. Like sludge…like my body is failing me and soon he will see the flaws of this broken toy and want to throw me away for something new and shiny. I have tried so many different things over and over time…added things – took things away – and it just seems nothing is working.

I told myself 90 days. I told myself 90 days of tracking and notating and attempting naturally. Then I will go to a doctor – which will in turn only hurt me because it means something is downright wrong. So 30 more days until we go that route. Until then and until aunt flow shows herself I have been contemplating on what I will do different in the upcoming cycle but right now I just don’t care…

-A